'JASMINE

Liberty.

2011-09-09T10:26:00.001+08:00

Indeed, time flies. Can't believe it's already the end of the week.

Today marks my fifth day at work. Since day one, work has been pleasurable, meaningful and of course interesting. Who knew that travelling from home all the way till here would allow me to experience such? Before my internship started, I was still wondering if the work would be boring and like what others told me – cheap labour. My answer would be 'definitely NOT'. I don't even feel like I'm treated meanly or being used extensively. People here are so friendly and have this very outgoing personality which never fails to make me feel happy being here, alright; sometimes I think I'm an introvert though, but still, people here are damn nice to me! J

Okay, so, I reported to work and till now, I've got nothing much to do, so here I am typing words, phrases and sentences away. Not saying that I'm bored or something (cause I realized if I do say I'm bored, something will happen and I'll be busy from then on). I've gotten rather lazy about blogging, and the only reason why I'm blogging now is because I found this cool way that I can use without the need to open my dashboard. Okay, the method may not be new and I may be slow at this but
I don't care! I find it cool alright. Basically, I'm using Microsoft Word 2007 to do this thing I'm doing right now. I don't know if it's the 2007 edition or the 2010 edition but it has this function of allowing me to link my blogging account to Microsoft words and from there (HERE!!!!), I can blog without the need to visit my dashboard. COOL OR WHAT? J Okay, not only that I don't have to go to my dashboard all the time to do the blogging, this version of Microsoft words allows me to type things that belong to the blogging lingo or slang. I SWEAR, IT'S PRETTY DAMN COOL! JJJ

OKAAY, I may not be the first or the fastest to find out this very interesting method that I just shared but I still think it's pretty the coolest thing I've found out this week.

While I'm sitting here typing things away, my teammates are there at MacRitchie paddling their asses off. I'm envying them at the very momentL. Do you know how much I want to train right now, right at this very current moment? I so so so so so so so so want to train right now. POL- ITE 2011, is just right round the corner, as I am interning away, other paddlers from other schools are paddling and getting bulkier at the same time. It's my final year, my last stretch. Although I'll still continue paddling and training for other competitions that I'll be going down on my very own, POL- ITE is different, it isn't just another canoe competition, it's a competition that holds a lot of meaning and a lot of memories. I want to make this last stretch count, I want to win real frigging badly.

So I've came up with a contingency plan for myself since I can't frigging train with the rest. I am going to run from my home to novena and gym at home EVERY SINGLE DAY (for the run). Really hope the aerobic part would allow me to keep my form just there. I mean, the thing that everyone loses once they stop training is not the muscular definition or strength (cause they can stay rather long), but the cardiovascular fitness. It is something that we take hours to train each session and take weeks and months to improve but it takes only a few weeks to see the decrement of it. #lifeofanintern.

Shall work hard on my part, shall continue fighting for what I want to get. To me, there is no point in worrying about all the 'what- ifs' for this competition because if I'm able to get myself ready for the challenge, I will be able to make it through.

I may not be the strongest or the biggest size when I align at the starting line,
but I've got a pretty damn strong mental and you'll have to beat that. J

Testing 123

2011-09-08T11:31:00.001+08:00

Hello!

It has been very long since I last blogged about something right.

Life has been quite interesting for me so far, loads of bad and good, but afterall, it boils down to how you actually look at the things that happens to you. To see if as a miracle or a disaster, it is all in the mind of that individual.

As time passes by, I've learnt that not everything that happens to me is going to be good, it can be just things that are horrible and terrible and everything that is not right, but that's life. Nobody will have a life of only ups and no downs, it is not possible. Who in the world is happy throughout their whole life? Who has actually not felt disappointed, sad or angry or an emotion that is not positive, that is theoretically and literally IMPOSSIBLE.

So I've learnt to be more open- minded about what life has to offer to me.
So what if I'm going to fail in some parts, in certain aspects of life?
So what if I'm going to have haters?
So what if I'm suffering in whatever I'm doing right now?
So what if I don't get the things that I want right now?
So what if I get disappointed every now and then?
And etcetera.
Of course I don't feel those right now, but I'm sure, one point in time in life, I'm bound to feel that way and for sure it wouldn't be just once, so why fret over it all the time when I know something that is similar will happen again? No point, NO FRIGGIN' POINT! J

I know there are sure to have people out there who doesn't like you, trust me, even if you're very popular among the friends that you know, there are still bound to be people who hates/detest/dislike you. Why be bothered about them since there's nothing much that you can do? Don't be bothered by these people, afterall, it must be because you dare to do something that they didn't dare to, that's why they are calling you names like bastard/jerks/bitch/douche or whatsoever. I'm not trying to say that if you did something wrong and they call you those names equates to 'it's okay' cause of what I typed above, but if you know you did nothing really wrong, and that they don't want to go to you, straight to your face and tell you what you did wrong, then forget it.

You ought to be blamed and feel apologetic when you did something wrong when you, yourself realized it, or when some other person(s) tells you that you were wrong, but if someone, rather gossip and bitchtalk/shittalk about you instead, it makes them no better. Do not be affected by what other say about you. It is okay and alright to make mistakes, you're human, and humans aren't perfect.

And again, do not, I repeat, DO NOT judge people according to what you hear from someone, because it's the words that you say that judges yourself. And lastly, you're not the person, you can see/hear what they do, but you don't know how they feel when they were doing it.

Think twice with your brain (if you do have one) before gossiping.
That is what you would be judged, that is what people see of you.
And beware, KARMA'S A BITCH IF YOU ARE ONE.

2011-07-14T00:17:00.003+08:00

I don’t know what is holding me back anymore.

It gets tiring with each failed attempt. Everytime it doesn’t end up well, I blame myself, but is it really worth it, is it really my fault.

I have so many questions in mind, but none of which would be answered.

Sometimes, I feel that the answers are already right there presented right in front of me. But I just chose to not see them, to be selective of what I want to see and what I want to believe.

Am I really doing the right thing?

I’m really tired, like really.

I’ve got really a lot to say, but I can’t say it. I don’t have the courage and I don’t have the audience.

Hear my cries will you?
Only then you’ll understand how I feel.

:(

2011-07-10T22:14:00.001+08:00

Canoeing, my passion *updated December 2010

A year has passed since the last glory dated was shared amongst batch 2009/2010.

Since then, much have gone, many have changed, and little held on strong.

Obviously, the team didn’t start out as a whole. There were many cliques amongst us all, some big, some small, some all –girls, some all –guys, the rest mixed.

We were all screwed upside down by our seniors, doing 400 push –ups on our very first TRIAL training, yes, TRIAL, not even a real training and we were punished. All the while we weren’t even treated like humans. We were yelled at, screamed for, and most of all doing push –ups like we’re breathing air. Punishments were more than just common, it became like our second interest group.

We had to prove our worth; we had to fight for our spaces. Despite the differences each of us shared, we held on strong as a team; we fought on, proved our seniors wrong. We were like the cockroaches you fear, for we are hard to kill. We were big in numbers, strong as a whole, being looked upon as the rebellious batch. We dared to show face, we dared to confront what we felt was wrong about us, yet we showed the respect everyone ought to have.

First academic year passed, we moved on to year twos. We lost some mates who chose to leave for the better, and the rest who stayed became more bonded with each other. Making fun of each other and cracking jokes to make the trainings seem less tiring.

We worked hard, knowing it was our turn to lead as the seniors. We went on strong as a team, fought hard for POLITE 2010, cried as individuals and won as a team; that was what we were.

My passion, long gone *updated 2011.

Things are so different now, everyone is everywhere, literally.

Discipline for me to attend training is decreasing with every second that ticks by. It’s like training is no longer the same. The people, the feeling, everything seems so strange and unfamiliar now.

There are no longer jokes, no more laughter, no more smiles. Happiness isn’t shared anymore; it’s becoming a individual kind of thing that I don’t want to elaborate.

I mean things are just whole load of different and disliked by me now. Worse part is not that I don’t want to do anything about it, but it’s just I can’t.

Glory can be earned, muscles can be gained, but feelings and passion once lost, can be for good.

granny, happy birthday. :)

2011-07-10T21:51:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday granny

Though I have no idea how old you are this year, I’m glad I know you enjoyed yourself today. Dinner was nothing but another realization of how realistic people are nowadays.

It was supposed to be a family dinner for the celebration of my granny’s birthday. I went late because I didn’t know what time it started, and at least I wasn’t blamed for that. But that wasn’t the point, they ordered food that wasn’t even food that granny liked. And I don’t think any of us know what she actually likes because both grandparents have always been eating food that we liked and not what they liked.

When the dishes came, all the nicer food went to my brother, I was okay with it, I mean like yea, since he’s the youngest, should just give him the food that he likes. But how do I actually enjoy a meal when I barely had a chance to eat something that I like? I’m used to all the attention and pampering from my grandparents because I’m the eldest grandchild there, and of course, the first grandchild they had. Naturally, I get what I always want. But now, even the dish I like isn’t remembered because it has now become the dish that my brother likes.

I was furious, sad, and probably disappointed at how tiny the existence of my sister and I has become. Of course, my mood wasn’t as great right from the start from all the crap that happened, but a last minute birthday celebration dinner didn’t make it any better.

It got worse when my granny actually asked if I was okay, and why I looked so sad. I felt touched, it has been like months since I last saw her and yet she could easily tell my mood. So did my grandfather, he said I looked tired. How I wish I could tell him that I agree with him, and that I was really tired with life.

I know that life wasn’t as simple as ABCs, but I didn’t know that life was going to be like some bull -crap hell either. First, we go through shit in kindergarten, getting compared who is chubbier, cuter or prettier. Then we went on to getting compared in primary school about who has the nicest ponytail, who is using the cartoon bag, who has more pocket money. And in secondary school, we get compared about who has the better grades, the better school or the better stream. And when you think the comparison ended, we land ourselves in tertiary institutions, where our sport, passion, skills, grades and even your girlfriend or boyfriend gets compared again.

Living a life of comparisons and it leads to envy and jealousy.

Why are we, mankind, always digging our own graves all the time?

We come up with all sorts of equations and technology with the thought of bringing good for the world, but we end up having some douchebag assholes making use of them to commit crimes and do evil, and the equations just gives us, students a huge headache in school.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be more pleasant to live a life in Madagascar, away from the technology and civilization and just plain bonding with one another for food, fun and leisure in the wild, with the animals.

Thinking back, I don’t even know why I am studying sports science in RP. It seems like I’ve got more interest in social sciences. Social sciences are more straight forward, and more applicable to daily life instead of sports sciences. Science isn’t really my thing, and to be frank, I have problems dealing with mathematics and science when combined together. They are my nemesis.

Anyways, I’ve been thinking about the one year university deal with Griffith University in Australia, Gold Coast. It’s going to be another one long year of sports science, but at least I get my degree. Also, I can take that one year as a break from Singapore and all the bull shit that is related to me here and have a break in Australia. But I’m starting to worry about the cost and all. Since I don’t work, the expenses and costs would be fully paid by my parents, which wouldn’t be a small sum. Not to mention the high living cost there and in addition a spendthrift daughter like me who loves to splurge on food and life.

Wouldn’t it be great if everything comes in small sizes including expenses?

2011-04-22T01:22:00.001+08:00

There’s nothing good about this week at all. It’s just like a minor hell to me.

Losing the urge to keep up my grades, losing the passion and discipline to actually attend trainings recently, and to make things worse, well, there’s nothing good about me and you, just plain nothing.

Square one, we’re back in there. That big argument we had just landed us on this very awkward stage, at least it is for me. It makes me feel like I don’t know you enough; I don’t know what to do, or rather, what I should be doing.

I’ve never relied on one man this much, yes, I’ve never been dependent, but I think I met my match this time round. Attention has never been a problem to me before, I’ve always been able to get them to talk to me, to be the one texting and telling me how much they miss me and all, but with you, I don’t.

When I say I feel inferior, I meant it. I’ve never had problem with self esteem, because I just didn’t have that problem. But suddenly with you, I have loads of problem with that. Remember those times you got mad at things when it wasn’t even my fault, you were all moody and angsty, and I was the one who took it all in, silently. I didn’t argue back because I felt like I had a fault in landing you in that mood. I tried to make things better, to cheer you up, but I couldn’t, but just a text from your friends gave you a smile on your face. I felt happy, because yea, you’re finally feeling better, but I felt inferior because I tried so hard to make you smile, and I just couldn’t.

You may never get to read this, you may think I’m overreacting, or think that what nonsense am I sprouting this time round, but this is my real feelings. The exact feeling I’ve felt at that very point of time.

To add to that, things just ain’t any better at trainings. Been losing that urge I had for trainings recently. I used to be the one who’ll go trainings no matter how tired I am because I just want to paddle and improve, but now, I just continue sleeping on.

Yesterday training made me realized that I’ve had no improvements and lots of drop in technique and all. You may think that I don’t understand that feeling because I’ve always been on the top, no I do know that feeling. I started out at the last, when every single one in the team finished, I’m the one who’s only done half of the sets given. And I paddled even harder and attended a lot more trainings to make sure that hard work would actually allow me to improve and get faster. Yes, it allowed me to be better, a lot better, but now, I’m dropping.

I’ve got very high expectations for myself because since I was born, canoe is the only thing that I can say I’m proud of. I wasn’t good at my academics and neither was I performing well in my previous sports. Canoe made me feel like I could achieve, canoe allowed me to feel things that I’ve never felt before. I made friends in canoe, had enemies, found a guy I really love, and most importantly, it made me realized that I could actually do well in a sport that is competitive.

You may be thinking why I am thinking so much over just one training session, because to me, it isn’t just a training session. I see each training as a small transition, you do well in training one, you’ll be able to progress to training two slowly that kind, and if you don’t do well, it’ll take a lot more to allow that progress.

Losing hasn’t really been my thing, I hate losing; I hate it. It makes me feel useless; it brings out the weak side of me. And I hate being in a heated argument. There are times when I just have so many things I hate about you, but I just don’t say because I don’t want to start a fight. I swallow it all down and just accept whatever you say. And well, that’s a very special case because I do not allow myself to be said to be the one at fault when I’m not, but when with you, my rules changed.

Sometimes I really get scared of saying out my feelings and thoughts to you and maybe even start a fight with you. Because I know we’ll end up on opposite ends with humongous space between us. Like the South and North Pole, never going to meet each other, ever.

Since the apology, I feel like talking to you all the time, and I fought that urge to do so just so to avoid the reason why we started that recent huge argue we had. It just came to me that I’ve made a lot of efforts trying to make things work out, like seriously a lot. And I just hope…lets just not hope and see how it goes from here.

Iloveyou, always.

all over again.

2011-04-14T23:52:00.001+08:00

I shouldn’t have let myself into such situation.

Everything is happening like a vicious cycle, a very vicious one.

Fuck without emotions and feelings; keep it as just causal act.

I need to learn to detach myself from these emotions that I’m feeling for this guy. It’s really time for me to learn that it’s not going to bring me anywhere but just plain torture.

Because in this game of love, I’m playing by his rules, not mine, not ours.

We do things that he wants, when he likes it. He asks, I meet, he says okay, and then we do things or go out.

But when I do the same, it’s another story. I too don’t want to be like that, I really don’t. I don’t want things to go on repeat all over again, it’s sickening.

I have the same image on compare in my mind; the same things happening when it’s on the good times and when it’s on the bad. And yea, the outcome is so different. One brings me over cloud nine; the other just sinks me to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.

He’s been the one who makes me smile and make me feel so loved, but at the same time, he’s the one who breaks my heart and smacks me with that harsh truth. He gave me the strength and faith in myself, and yet, he is my nemesis too.

I would be lying if I said I’ll love you without expecting anything,
I’m not a saint, I do expect.
And all I expect is just mere reciprocation.

tough ordeal.

2011-03-09T22:38:00.002+08:00

Hate the feeling of screwing things up and making people end up with nothing. Now its FYP’s turn, and I’m like making this poor fellow team-less because of a stupid button that I pressed. Hate this feeling to the very max.

This is only the start of the FYP, formation of teams, and I’m already screwing things up. Went to paddle today, and yea, I cannot even freaking hold on to the pain and lactic acid building up, I freaking just gave up. What am I going to become, a burden? A burden that cannot do what she should be able to.

Talking to you and making things like shit for you, it’s like my nature. I do it all the time, and this time, I made you go to the extent of thinking of avoiding me altogether. Seriously, I should just call myself burden.

Everything I do is wrong.

Do not be mistaken, I’m not quoting from anyone’s mouth, but yea, everything I do just doesn’t turn out good or even right. Even talking to the person I really love ends up this badly. What am I good at? Seriously, I might be even better off dead.

Thoughts of just leaving are just increasing with every word that I type. The anger, the helplessness overcomes me. I’ve never thought I would be facing this shit in my life, but here I am now, feeling every single inch of it in me.

This time round, I cannot pretend I’m okay, I cannot pretend you’ve forgiven me. People always say that “forgive and forget”, but the truth is, you can forgive, but not forget. And so it ends up, nobody actually does get forgiven.

I am my own’s nemesis.

emptiness.

2011-02-10T12:49:00.001+08:00

Empty, what exactly is that? Is there really such description for a feeling of a person?

Time passes by real fast, called “in the blink of an eye”, people come and go and you realize who are your friends and who aren’t, hearts patch and break and it’s just a norm in life.

Have you felt your faith and beliefs waver to the extend you feel like you want to give up? Do you ever feel like nobody around you actually know the real you? The need for someone to be just there to comfort you but you has none?

There are times in life where you make the same mistakes twice, and you actually chose to make it a choice in your life, to accept the mistake because for some reason, you feel that it will no longer be a mistake for the second time. But when you do realized it was still a mistake, things has just became too late for you to step away, all you can do now is just feel sorry for yourself and wished it was nothing but just a dream.

Everyone have this dream and hopes or goals; a dream house, the dream car, the dream guy or girl that you wish to meet and start a family with for the rest of your life, but you just don’t seem to meet them and get them. The dream house is either too dreamy for life or it’s just plain to grand to afford; dream car being limited editions are just too crazy to be obtained and kept; the very dream guy or girl is just some make –believe that you wished exist.

We need to learn to differentiate dreams and reality, realize that not everyone is worth us holding on. Though the letting go may feel awful in the beginning, but the fact is, if the person wants you to hold on, they will do the same and let you know.

Life isn’t really as short, neither is it long; we would probably have a lifespan of seven to eight decades, spending the first two decades studying and at the same time spending it on some relationships that doesn’t work; the next decade would be used to make a career, and it dwells down to spending at least three to four decades with that someone whom you marry because they just seem like the right one.

In the end, we do feel empty for some reasons. There are people seem bubbly, the one who never seem to feel sad, but who knows, it may just be a façade that people put on to hide the sorrows. You never know what they really feel deep down within them, you never will until you ask.

I may seem strong, as if I would be able to hold carry shoulders of burden on my back
but there’s still this part of me, so fragile, easily broken.
I need love like others do
I’m still a human after all.

freak.

2011-01-07T12:59:00.000+08:00

Its like break now from the Open Huose thing.
So damn pissed off today, and I don’t really know why. it’s like we argue about the same things everyday, and it turns out to be my fault. Things you say, I take it seriously, holds it as a promise. Is it something that I’ve done wrong and I shouldn’t even be doing that? Should I just stop taking your words that seriously just so to avoid my disappointments.
I thank you for your words of wisdom about how affected I felt, but I sure do you’ll do that for everyone. It’s just so you to help around, and just so me to think that you’re doing it for me because I thought I was special to you, but then I realised, no, I’m not.
I don’t know what I’m doing now, what I’m feeling now or even what I’m going to do now. Its like a whirlpool, I don’t know what to do, or what is the right thing to do.

Speechless.

leashing.

2010-12-12T22:58:00.003+08:00

First thing first, pardon my vulgarities here today. I’ve never been this affected and cranky before, this is my very first, and I hope it’s the very last.

Day was supposed to end great for me;

Went for Sunday training, was down in K1 and coach gave me the chance to paddle in Nelo, it was like awesome. Training was great, super productive on my part; technique was more or less coming back. I even managed to clock 15 rounds, what an achievement for me because it’s been long since I last paddled that distance.

Not only this, I got to spend some time with Zixin, Eewern, Eileen and Clarice in the shed messing around. Attempted to sand Saw the way Clarice tried to behave like small kid and a dog. We then went for a bath later on, and had lunch at MacDonald’s.

Till now, everything was perfect, I was a happy girl, and until I saw something I really hated to see. It was fucking upsetting. I’ve never felt that affected before, not even the last time I saw something similar happening. You lied, I believed, I saw, and then I realized, it was nothing but fucking lies. Note the plural form “lies”.

Till now, I believed your every single word. Everything I felt for you was real, and I thought you felt the same just that you needed some cool down period. Till today I saw, I realized what a fool I was. All the tears I shed was nothing, it was just not needed. I came to realized, I’ve been the fool holding on so much, I was merely holding on to something that wasn’t even there to begin with.

Been such a fool to just fall into it that fast, it was like a free –fall.
There are your close friends, and when couples argue, they bring up everything, and when I brought it up, about you and your close friends, I saw an answer that was pure disappointment. To say that I don’t trust you was too accusing, because you’re the one who doubted me. The doubt was right from the very start.

You hid things from me right from the very start, to even think that I was so lucky to have you back, which was such an understatement. I was totally blinded; I don’t even remember I had a brain to use to think about how things were going to turn out. Straight away, I fell into that hole that I got out from not long ago; plain dumbness.

You said I was stubborn, yes I don’t deny, but I feel it’s more of the pride and ego of me. I left this two behind when I was with you, trying to let you be the one dominating the relationship like any other guy would (stereotyping). But now, I realized I threw too much of those away that I became like worthless to you, so now you see it; reminder: it’s not stubbornness you see, it’s called pride, my pride, my ego.

Everything that happened between us was plain sweetness and love, it ended up destroyed because of the misunderstandings and insecurities that you fail to reassure. Chances given, opportunities wasted and people taken for granted.

I loved you and I felt taken advantage of; because of the intensity of the feelings I had for you, I became the weaker one, the one who cries when everything ends, and the one who begs when you say it’s over. I sound like a total loser here.

That is so not me.

I’ve realized how much I’ve changed ever since I met you. I became really dependent on you, which totally freaked me out in the beginning. The kind of dependency on you was scary, I felt instantly lost when you were gone. It was like I’ve lost the control button on my remote. Walking around aimlessly, missing buses, making wrong predictions about arrival timings, everything was going haywire.

Thought it was all going be so freaking worth it, but it turned out I was totally wrong about it.

I came to this point where I think I gave in too much in this relationship, to make things worse; I put in the efforts twice. To think that I thought you were different was just a stupid thought of mine. Was too happy thinking we got back, too happy with those sweet memories, too elated with the attention and care that you gave, I forgot to use my brain to think.

To think that I’m using my brain now, it’s a little way too late.
Who said it was the best to follow the heart? It’s such a wrong move, listening to your brain would be a much intelligent decision to make.

I just have to learn things the hard way, always.
Pride and ego, I’m not going to leave you for some guy anymore, I’m sorry.

2010-12-09T23:18:00.002+08:00

I hate frowning when I know how cheerful I used to be in the past.

This is definitely a whole year of dramas for me; it’s kind of too much for me to handle now, especially when I’m going through all these shit alone.

Same thing happened twice, and I cannot believe you’re just dumping me here alone to clear up the mess once again. It’s getting really sickening. I know I pushed you away, but do guys always have to be that obedient? When a girls says no, do they really mean it, or are they trying to get you to hold on to her till she nods her head in agreement.

I’m really exhausted; I wouldn’t be surprised if my grades for this semester drop to an all time low. I’ve given in so much, but always, it ends up wasted, like trash. It’s as if my feelings are worse than recyclables, because those can at least get used again.

As much as I want to, I cannot let go. To me, you were that perfect guy. The guy who fits into every single criterion I have, or rather, it was as if you were the one who set the new criteria for me.

Moving on seems easy to you, and even if you’re reading this and you feel that I don’t understand you, would you tell me your real feelings? Sometimes I really just want to talk to you, but I don’t have that courage to. Why? Because I don’t want to handle another heartbreak again.

Ironically, I think my heart is too broken to feel anything now. sometimes I really just wish I could fall asleep and never wake up again. At least sleeping brings you into dreams, dreams where good things can happen and never turn bad.

Waking up to the day is now the hardest thing for me to do probably because of that harsh truth that we both are walking on the same street but in different direction now.

All I was looking forward to for this coming holiday are now so dashed, like gone with the wind (if even any). The last time I asked myself what I want for Christmas, my answer was time with you, now all I wish for is just to stop feeling this heartache.

I cannot believe this,
I going to go through everything alone & again.

ciaos.

2010-11-28T23:48:00.001+08:00

This year is coming to an end soon, so much happened, so much difference.

Few days back, I was just like normal; happy about the race results and all, but now everything is different. Mummy asking me if everything is okay, I turned and looked at her with that weary eyes and replied “yes, everything is fine”. As much as I hated lying, I’m left with no choice. I don’t want her to worry and know that something’s wrong, very wrong with me.

Grandma is sick, like really sick. I’m so worried. Thought that was the only bad thing that was happening to me, then you need to tell me something I dreaded the most. At that point of time, everything just came crashing down on me. It was like the pillars that I build up again were smashed, I had the roof crashing right down onto the ground.

To me life seems so hopeless now; everything that I’ve ever wanted seems snatched away from me. It’s so unfair, well life is never fair isn’t it. Everything when you’re enjoying the best of it, something just has to come in and screw things up, understand why the term Fuck My Life came about? Yes, this shit, FML is designed for this.

When things got really better, I thought it was all over, like I’ve finally won that war, the war that I’ve been fighting for so long alone. But now, it just seemed like it was just a scheme that the enemy used against me, only to make me helpless and shrieking for help in the very end.

Every day I have to pretend like I’m alright, go on life like how I used to, think that everything would be fine. But who am I lying to? Myself? I know things are not fine, I know life isn’t just going to be like how it used to. Who would ever know how I feel? There isn’t just one person who knows.

I’ve been putting up this strong front of mine for too long. There are times when I really felt like breaking down in class, but I can’t. There’s just so much ego and pride in me that was trampled on your feet. Right now, I feel like a nobody, like a trash, something that you used to want, but when you got it, you threw it aside and went for something new.

Tolerance and acceptance should come hand in hand, but in this case, tolerance appeared on its own. You tolerated but never did accept. I should have known, I should have waited longer. It’s just too late for any regrets now, too bad jasmine, too bad.

Things aren’t going to be the same anymore, I just feel so hurt, so cheated, so lied to. Everything that you said didn’t seem true or make any sense to me now. I want you to tell me they are all true and that it still applies, but would you?

You kept asking me what I want, my answer is simple, I just wanted you to be happy. I got to admit, I got selfish, and that answer changed, “I want you to do things that made me happy”. Now I know, my selfishness got the better of me.

I’ve got nobody to blame for my plight now, nobody except myself. It was my choice, and I chose the wrong one. But I guess that strong front is going to be gone. I’ve pretended to be fine long enough, I think I deserve a break, a break from all these shit.

The worst goodbyes are the ones that you don’t want to happen.
But, they always happens;
Goodbye.

2010-11-23T23:27:00.001+08:00

I know it’s not right of me to just leash out everything here when I didn’t ask for the people involved consents, but then again, since I don’t mention names so I guess it’s still okay, at least to me it is. And yes, everything is written in my perspective, mine. So if I do get things wrong, tell me, don’t just bury it and hold a grudge against me, because like what I’ve said: written in owns view.

At times, I blame you on why are you not sensitive enough to read my thoughts. I always feel like everyone else knows how I feel except for you and it pains me. Aren’t you supposed to be the one who knows me the most, but yet why are you the only one who doesn’t know.

I really want to put the blame on you, but I just can’t bear to. Every time when I tell myself “no, don’t talk to the person first, wait for them to come to me”, I end up being the one to approach you first, because you really didn’t initiate it at all, not even a single hint.

There are just times when I stayed and wait for you, but after meeting you, I feel left out. Aren’t you like supposed to introduce then walk me out? There’s nothing, makes me feel like an intruder into your social circle, a stranger, complete stranger who knows nothing about you or them.

Seeing things that I hate to see makes me feel so stupid. I know I shouldn’t feel that way and that it’s me making myself feel that way, but still, it affected me like so damn much. I’ve never felt that way before, NEVER. But now I do, and I don’t like it, neither do you. Maybe to you, there’s no need in saying, but to me, it’s like recognition. Yes I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s just like a security? And what now, just after you rejected me, I see something.

Not talking, not meeting to you seems alright, to me, it showed me that you can live without me. It’s filled with rejections, disappointments and I know you don’t mean it that way, but it’s just how everything is making me feel. I could handle it, but not now. I don’t know why, I just couldn’t anymore.

They are indispensable and I’m disposable.
In comparison, I’m just a plan B.

f me life.

2010-11-03T23:29:00.000+08:00

I know I should be sleeping, but I feel so vexed.

Sometimes, I really wonder if I do know myself at all. After so long, it’s still the same old problem, same old shit happening. Why can’t something new just pop up and distract me? It so energy consuming, so irritating I feel like shit.

I hate feeling this way, it is like all my efforts went to the freaking drain, and time is all wasted, so wasted. I had such great days in the past, and I know I’m not worth this shit that I’m experiencing now.

In the end, it is back to the word “LOVE”. I’m really fed up with myself, with my feelings. It is now like a burden, emotional burden.

I couldn’t get enough of you, you couldn’t stop loving her.
cry, cry, cry to sleep, jasmine.

awesomeeeee

2010-10-23T00:12:00.001+08:00

Friends come and go; good friends make you smile, best friends cries with you and true friends do things for and with you.

Today is my day, the very day I finally turn legal. The moment I woke up, I see texts from people wishing me happy birthday. It was just so touching I cried in bed. There was this feeling that I cannot find a word to describe, probably because one word cannot describe the love I feel from you guys, thank you!

As I was on my way to school, I continued receiving texts and tweets from my friends and family. It was just an awesome feeling. All the tiredness and soreness from yesterday’s training was gone. It was like the concern and care I got from you all cured me of the pain, thank you.

After my second break, I received my first surprise. It was from my classmates. Know what I got? Guess what, one whole supply of snickers from them all. As I sat down in my seat, they all started singing the birthday song for me; I was just on cloud nine. Then slowly I saw each of them holding a bar of snickers. I was thinking maybe 18 bars, but no! It was more than one box of snickers! I just couldn’t stop laughing and grinning. I totally forgot the existence of the facilitator in class and went on to snap some quick photos. Thank you class!

My surprise didn’t end here. After school, I was waiting for canoe mates. I was wondering why is it that they are taking so long just to pack up. I waited and waited. Eileen came to find me and I still didn’t feel that there was something wrong! Then all of a sudden, I see the door open and them coming in! I was just elated; cloud nine isn’t high enough for me! Saw the awesome muffins and that cake, and the very nice candies! Thank you canoe mates!

And last surprise of the day, went to Sunset Grill for dinner with the guys. The place was so isolated and hard to find. We could only depend solely on the signage and there weren’t many lampposts around to shine our way. After much turns and roundabouts, we finally got there, SUNSET GRILL and AIRPLANES! Yes, I didn’t type anything wrongly, airplanes! Because the place was near, in fact it was at the Singapore Flying Club, I got to see jets, yes JETS! I got to see JETS on my BIRTHDAY! Weeeee!!

Tried their super duper spicy buffalo wings, and I swear, you get full by drinking instead of eating. Fish and chips were awesome too. All the entertainment, fun, and laughs were all awesome. This was definitely worth me remembering for a lifetime.

This year was definitely like a roller coaster ride for me, so much ups and downs in life for me. But well, like what I’ve said before, that’s just life. And if today was easy and smooth, there wouldn’t be a need for a tomorrow! =)

In short:
Thank you friends for wishing me a good day!
Thank you class for the surprises and snickers!
Thank you canoe mates for remembering, well-wishing me, giving me surprises and bringing me to sunset grill!

And here I stand, I know I’m not alone for I feel the love and care from them all
Thank you friends, thank you class, thank you canoe mates!
One thing I know for sure, I love you all, always! <3>

douche.

2010-10-09T21:29:00.001+08:00

Day was long, at least it wasn’t wasted, and instead, I think I had a fruitful day.

Flashbacks are like the worse nightmare for me, but today, it didn’t affect me that much anymore, not even with that song. Maybe because I’ve been hurt too long, I’ve gotten used to the sadness and pain that these memories had inflicted on me.

Today, I found out a lot, maybe too much information. It did make me feel a little uneasy because it just links back to what you told me. It made me fuming mad, you told me things that were untrue, you made me believe, and you made me trust and had faith in something that didn’t exist, something that wasn’t even true. I came to reason with myself that you basically did that so you’ll not feel guilty.

You know what happened between us, and I really don’t know what happened to make things turn and end up this way. All the things you told others, remember it, etch it in your mind, because that is what made me see, see the true you. You’ve lied to me, before, after and even during the relationship. It was only until today, I felt this lied to, this cheated. Love is indeed blind.

Letting go is the hardest thing to do, moving on seems so impossible to me. What we did left a scar, a deep scar. But do you care; you don’t, because you’re happily moving on long before we ended. It doesn’t matter what happen to them, but well, you wouldn’t bother anyway. Its like “what can you fucking do?” Answer is nothing; if you did care, you wouldn’t have left me here to face all these shit alone, you would be like what you told me then “I’ll be there going through it with you”

Empty promises and lies, yet again. I really feel so damn naïve to believe in your words. Guess your words were my ecstasy. It didn’t matter to me then whether you were lying, but well, reality does have its own way of waking you up from your dreams doesn’t it? Each time I realize, it makes me feel so damn dumb and even dumber when it becomes the second, third time and so on.

To me, it was like why you even cared since you like someone else, why make me feel that there was this glimpse of hope there for the both of us to become back together. It’s so redundant, so unfair for me. To think of what we’ve become now, it is really pathetic to the core.

We were strangers and we became friends. We started chatting on MSN, back then you liked someone else and I treated you like a normal friend. Then we started to meet up and go to school together, there was this spark that suddenly grew within me. It was minor crush, because I knew you liked someone else. Everything went on fine till we started going back home together too, and then we went training together and we trained together as a pol-ite junior team. I felt a major crush this time round and tried every single thing to get rid of that feeling, guess it was impossible. Then we got together at a chalet I invited you to, things blossomed since then, or at least I thought so.

To come to think of it now, I felt that maybe right from the start, you felt forced, like what you told me recently. You said I was clingy, which I thought you were the one clinging on to me, everything you felt, I felt it from you. Everything was like chaos, I felt chaotic, my life became like shit, I felt wasted, and I wanted to get wasted.

Maybe you were right, everything was a mistake right from the start.

go away.

2010-10-07T23:14:00.000+08:00

With every day coming to an end, it brings us closer to another mystery –the next day.

With every day ending, it means that we’re getting closer and closer to POL-ITE 2010. It’s really a very important event for us. We lost last year, lost to our worthy opponents by varying points causing a miss to the championships. This year, I really don’t wish to have it happen again.

Worrying about how well our opponents are doesn’t make anything better, instead it’ll bring us unnecessary stress and unwanted pressure for ourselves for they are the variation in the competition, a variation that we cannot control or change.

Improvements are sought after everywhere all the time, but it is up to us, the individual, to decide how much improvements we want to achieve in the very end. The amount of commitment and passion would affect the amount of improvements we get in the very end. Everyone wants tremendous improvement in performance, but how many would be able to attain it?

In the very end it’s ourselves we have to beat at the very least. If we cannot win ourselves, how are we going to win others? If we cannot beat our own personal best, how are we going to ensure bagging medals in races?

Life is often screwed up, but if life is too easy and simple for us all, wouldn’t it make us learn nothing and take everything in life for granted? Every obstacle is a challenge for us, and each time we overcome that challenge, it adds on to our own experience and brings us a notch higher in life.

When things are simple, we tend to take it for granted, thinking that things would stay the same forever. This is so not true, with us taking things for granted, we’ll never improve. We’ll never step out of our own comfort zone and aim for a peak.

Everyone’s born to do different things; some will end up achieving great things, while the others would just remain as some normal person. But everyone is bound to hit the rocks somewhere, some part in their very life. I hit mine quite recently, but I’ve decided to face it as an obstacle. It’s going to be an obstacle that would make me a better person in life.

Training intensity has intensified over the days gradually; it’s kind of normal looking at the days left before the competition. I really want this badly, like so badly I will do whatever is morally right to get it.

Training is now the most important thing to me, the thing that keeps me busy so I would be so tired to even care what you’re up to now. There’s so much I wished and I hoped, but there’s so much I know. I’m just sick and tired of trying, hoping that things will turn out well. It’s just too much and too naïve for me to think it that way. To me now, it’s me and my own crew in canoe that matters. They are going to take over your place, or at least, I rather things be that way.

Things are over, and I need to accept that as a fact. It doesn’t matter how you see me, it doesn’t matter who you want to be with, because I know, it just isn’t going to be me. Since you’ve moved on, you don’t have a say in me anymore.

shagged.

2010-10-06T22:14:00.002+08:00

It's getting on my nerves on the amount of dramas I have in my life. Though I used to think that these dramas are supposed to make one stronger after every obstacle they face, it's really getting too much, too out of hand. I really love having friends and hate stale and hostile relationship with people, especially those whom I used to be close with. But in this year, I lost a very important person in my life. I tried my very best to hold on and tried to overcome my faults and mend the ruined relationship. But even if you were to glue a broken vase together, the cracks are still going to be there and it's going to be even more fragile after the breakage. Thats the same for a relationship.

It's not like I wanted things to turn out that way. I didn't have a choice because you made things really tensed and me very pissed. I'm no longer going to stoop down to the level of begging because it was just plain useless and it made me look real dumb and idiotic. Like a fool, I gave you the chance, like a moron, I believed your tries, like an idiot, I see the things that we used to do or had together gone. Well, that's life isn't it? There isn't much I can do. If all you could say after all these times is that I forced you to do so, alright then. I'm really sick and tired of trying. Really angry of trying to hold on to a broken relationship and trying so effing hard to get your love an heart back from her. I know I'm not pretty, not good, not feminine enough. But if looks and her is enough for you, I hope you think back to those times we shared. Remember all those fucking words you once said, remember those cursed promises you gave me. Don't even make promises to a girl knowing that it might not happen, don't say words to a girl when you're in love with her for she will hold on to every single word of it and try even harder for you.

Love was what I felt for you, commitment was what we used to have, companionship was what I had with you, promises were what you told me, and now I'm just left with a broken heart. You opened my eyes to various things, feelings, places, touch and sights. And yes you opened my heart but you ended up breaking it into millions and billions pieces. I just forgotten to tell you how fragile my heart was, how delicate my feelings were and how important my belief and faith was in you. Now you do, but too late, I'm going to fix my broken heart myself, my way with my passion and friends.From today, the jasmine that used to love you is locked deep down within me. I'm not longer going to allow myself to become this weak, this fragile anymore.

Listing people and making them this important didn't work out, or at least, now I've got phobia for that now. I gave you my heart and you broke it. Now I've got nothing to give another guy now, unless they want to be the glue to fix it back.

me, the ultimate fool.

2010-10-04T22:03:00.000+08:00

Denial, I’ve been living in it for too long.

Since we broke up, I’ve been telling myself lies. Lying to myself that one day you’ll come back to me like the other guys. I lied to myself that you still love me; I lied to myself that you still cared. The day we broke up, we were arguing about her. I was angry at the kind of attention that she gets from you. The attention she got was so much more then I got. And you mentioned breaking up. It stabbed me through, like a sharp knife. I was speechless, I was heartbroken.

You met me that night, I cried in your arms. That was the first time I cried so badly for a guy, that was the last time I hugged you. There was so much running through in my head then, but I just couldn’t find the voice to say it out. You took my bag and carried it for me; I reached for your hand and held it. But the feeling was gone. At that instant, I knew, the love was gone, for good.

After that very night, I cried every day, I lost my appetite, and I lost the urge to do well in anything and everything. I was so hurt, and it hurt more when I see you happy with everything else and her. It’s like everything was nothing but lies. People keep telling me to give up, friends showed their true colours, strangers gave me sympathy. I felt pathetic. I was like some stray animal that people find on the streets, the kind of look and attention I got was plain pure sympathy and pity.

After that, both of you got closer. All I could do was just to stand there and look, look at how close the both of you have became. There were times when you said you want to try, and it didn’t work. And well, you told them I forced you to try. It doesn’t only pissed me off, it hurt me. Wasn’t it you who told me you wanted to try? It repeated so many times, and well, what happened now.

Now I understand, everything was just a façade. I no longer know what to tell myself. I ran out of lies for myself. Truth is, you no longer loved me, and your heart went to someone else long before we ended. Everything is in the past; there isn’t anything to hold on anymore.

You’re no longer mine, I am no longer going to hold on to you like how I did; I’m no longer going to kiss your lips; I’m no longer going to go out on a date with you; we’re no longer going to celebrate anniversaries; we’re no longer in good talking terms; we’re no longer together; and lastly yet the most important and hurtful one –you no longer love me, maybe you never did.

I’m a complete fool to hold on for this long.
I’m an idiot for thinking that you’re coming back.
I’m the moron, the moron who love a guy who doesn’t love me.
I’m the dumb who kept trying even after failing so many times.

But now, I’m going to be a coward for not trying and a loser for giving up this UNRECIPROCATED love.

one step difference.

2010-09-30T22:55:00.000+08:00

Life, what is life? Have you ever stopped and asked yourself what life means to you or what life is to you? Life is often said to be the opposite of death. Life is supposed to be happy and carefree, while death is said to be sad and gloomy. I beg to differ.

To me, I see peace in death. When one dies, we see them lying in the coffin motionless and emotionless. They no longer feel anything. They feel no sadness, they need no love. There is nothing a dead man needs or wants unlike a live one.

When one is living, all they sought after are materialistic items. They go through every mean just to get what they want. In the process of getting, they hurt people, emotionally and physically. And while doing so, they drive people up their limits and cause feuds.

Men are supposed to be the more intelligent mammals, but why is it that with higher intelligence, our lives get so complex and we lose the actual meaning of it? Animals on the other hand, have no technology as advanced as ours, yet we get to see documentaries of them being loyal to their partners, friends and families; they are the ones who are able to do whatever they want. Unlike us, we’re constantly reminded of the rules of life –“you cannot do this”, “you must wear that”, “you must carry this” etcetera.

Being the intelligent species is good, but we just think too much. Words like “nah, I don’t want” can even lead me to think about things like “he doesn’t like me, therefore he doesn’t want” or “he likes someone else, that’s why he doesn’t want mine”. Get what I mean by thinking too much now?

Promises are often made to a person so frequently we forget the actual meaning to them. But have you ever wondered how much I place importance on promises? They are like sacred words, words of trust, belief and assurance. They are the words from your mouth that offers me security and sense of protection. Promises that are made should be kept, because by not doing so, you don’t just disappoint the person, you hurt the person, deeply emotionally.

An abused animal licking its owner’s leg begging for love, that’s what I feel like I am now. Pathetic isn’t it? Time after time I felt cheated I confronted you, and you explained, and I realized and forget and I just keep ending up feeling this same old way again. I stooped down to the level of begging, but I felt no difference in treatment. Everything went by the same or maybe it got worse. Sometimes I just feel like telling you to fuck off, but will it help, no. I know the answer in my heart that I cannot afford to lose you because the pain is just too great, but ironically, I’ve already lost you. I lost you five months ago. And till now, I’ve yet to pick myself back up.

Like what I said, every time I thought I moved on, a conversation from you just tears down the tall, thick walls I build to isolate you away. I sent you message waited for a reply, and till now, I’m still waiting. Can I really find you back? Are you already gone for good?

People tell me, we’re feeling this because we still love each other. I don’t dare think too much. You said you cannot control how I feel and think; is this what you’re talking about, me misinterpreting what you say and do?

I miss the old you, the old me, the old us. I miss those days we sit on the bus or train side by side with each other, I miss looking at you sleep, I miss lying next to you, I miss hugging you, I miss holding your hands, I miss your touch, I miss your voice, I miss seeing your text telling me to leave house, I miss kissing you, I miss your scent, I miss your bed, I miss you, I miss your love.

I miss me, the old me, the happy me, the me who smiles and means it, the me who works hard just to make you proud, the me who will wake up early on days we go on dates, the me who looks forward to every school day and training day, the me who loves you, the me whom you loved.

I miss us, the us who train together, the us who aims to get medals together, the us who plays apps on the phone/touch together, the us who tickle each other, the us who eat together, the us who slack together, the us who do almost everything together, the us who loved each other.

What have we become? An intruder into the relationship wrecked us of the friendship; my stubbornness rid us of our love, what’s next? And I thought things would get better after you know about it and it being gone. But I was wrong. To you, everything was a mistake.

I rather die than to live a life like this.
Love meant everything to me, and you were that everything.
Death and live is just a step away now.

known.

2010-09-29T22:27:00.002+08:00

Lies are more common that what we thought. In the past, in days when we were still kids, we were taught never to lie, and on what grounds? On grounds that Pinocchio lied and his nose grew so long. And as time went by, we started lying. Lies were told to save our own asses after breaking some rule; lying to get something that we want; white lies to protect others and ourselves.

But by now, the reason why we don’t lie is that we do not like to be lied to. We dislike being lied to because of the aftermath –you feel so stupid, betrayed, cheated upon, and the feeling can never be forgotten and it’ll be there to haunt us after the incident itself. It just isn’t morally right to lie to anyone.

Each lie you tell, you need so many more others to cover them up. Every time you lie, you start getting so worried about when your lie would be exposed. Why place yourself in unnecessary amounts of anxiety and fear? Just be frank and truthful, even if it’s going to hurt someone else, at least you hurt them only once. But when you lie, you hurt the person again when your lie is exposed.

Hiding is often not needed, because people would always appreciate that you were trying to be frank with them. Although dramas always go “why do you have to tell me? I rather you lie to me to make me feel better!”, but well, it’s not called dramas for nothing. Lying doesn’t help solve anything, instead, it adds up to the problems you’re already facing.

“Truth hurts, and lies worse”; Its true people. Lies never do get far, so why lie when the chance of being frank and real is there for you. You might be hated for hurting someone, but you’re also at the same time relieving them of their worries. At least they know the truth, and they do not have to keep suspecting and thinking till the cow comes home.

In conclusion, the truth would always be appreciated more than lies. Truth can hurt, but lies can kill. So do you want to hurt somebody or do you want to turn their life into a living hell, the choice is up to yours.

I feel so inspired to do this short essay about lies. It’s been really long since I last wrote an essay. It’s just so nostalgic; it feels like back in the secondary school days. And I’m sure, if my essay was a little longer, I’m sure to ace it. Although the vocabulary isn’t as powerful, I’m sure the content and grammar is worth the marks.

Back then, days were just filled with the boring lessons in school –the triple sciences, double language, double mathematics and the combined humanities. Weird teachers with horrible smell, cute and active biology sessions, brain cells killing mathematics, they are all missed. At that point of time, studying and education seemed so stupid and dumb. It felt so not needed because to me then, lessons were plain boring; they were like the best solution to insomnia.

As time passed, as maturity increased, how lessons felt changed. Lessons are now the key to the enhancement of our intelligence and application to the real life out there. Achieving a diploma or a certificate is no longer based on how well you can regurgitate the textbook, but it’s about how well you can apply them to the real life scenarios and questions that you’re placed with.

As the skills are changed, the way we have lessons changed. They are no longer as boring as they used to, unless they are all about theory-based subjects. Lessons are now more hands on, more on application although we’re still being fed with tones of theories. But overall, lessons are much livelier now.

Relationships have always been such a complexity, and with the increased in maturity, it definitely got more complicated. The kind of relationship we wanted changed as we matured; the expectations grew higher as time passed by too. We learnt that things were taken granted for, and we learnt the feeling of hurt through the relationships over the years. And I think the amount of hurt you feel in a relationship is proportional with time, because as I grew older, I feel more hurt when the relationship ends. I don’t know about you; wanna share your thoughts with me? =)

I wonder if I were to blog this much when I was in secondary school, would my essay actually improve? Well, it doesn’t matter now.

Sometimes blogging is just a way to get my feelings known.

times flies.

2010-09-28T21:42:00.001+08:00

Good times pass by in the blink of the eye and the bad ones stay by so long as if it’s taking forever just to get through it. Isn’t this just so true?

When we’re enjoying ourselves, we’re totally in the love of it just because it’s something that we like or prefer doing to something else. Example, the rest time for fartlek always seems to run out real fast unlike the time when we’re paddling, true right?

Training has got more intense as time pass by, as the days to POL-ITE 2010 gets lesser and lesser. Every training session now is crucial to each of us. It’s like a time for us to improve and for us all to train ourselves to enhance our endurance and push ourselves over our own limits.

Saying so much, am I doing any of it? Like any other human, I’m a human too. We all opt for the easier way out. Therefore I conclude, as an athlete, I need to be determined, disciplined and persevere to the very end to achieve what my mind sets on and what my body can obtain.

Training was not bad, still alive and maybe kicking while feeling some aches and pain here and there, but my mind and heart is in a wreck, turmoil. It’s like a catastrophe, I don’t know how to get through it each day because I want things really badly, yet I know deep down rationally that it’s not possible.

It’s like things get better each time, I feel that you care and really want things to work out, but then, it just goes for a total turn for the worse. Guess it’s my paranoia which got the better of me. I hate me for being me. Seriously, now I feel like a stupid idiotic moron bitch. Why am I doing the same thing all the time? I’m sure you’re sick and tired of answering my doubts, and this is all taking a toll on you isn’t it.

Arguments are what make up a MSN conversation now, even the very little SMS-es that I initiate is arguments. They are no longer looked forward from me. Maybe you don’t know, but I stayed up late just to wait for you to get online so that you can click on my account and start a conversation, but well, it never happens does it? It always has to be me clicking on yours and start an argument.

I no longer sense the persistent in your words anymore. It’s like when I say “forget it” I get an “okay” as a reply. It’s a full-stop to the conversation and a lot of anger adding to the already angry me. I don’t like to start or end a conversation like how we’re going.

She say I’m like her, in training, and in love. I don’t want you to become like him, and I don’t want to end up like her. It’ll be my worst nightmare comes true. I can’t help to feel jealous and get paranoid. We don’t text, but you text them a lot; we don’t talk, but you talk to them a lot; we don’t meet/go out together, but you do that with them. We’re so close, yet so far.

Ran tree-top today at MacRitchie today. I cried while running, I cried after running. Thoughts ran wild just like my steps while I was running. I was like a crazy girl running without knowing what I was really doing. I wasn’t paying attention to my own breathing, definitely not realized that I began wheezing until I turned breathless. Didn’t notice the steps I took and I ended up not stepping on the right place. It was disastrous. Ankle and knee now feels so sore, I hate this feeling.

It’s as though we don’t know each other now, like some strangers who hate each other. Yes, hate is the word here, harsh yet applicable. And the feeling of me feeling this hate and strangeness is totally hurting and affecting me. We used to be so close, like really close. We used to share problems, and go out all the time, and now, it’s all becoming a past, a history of us.

Yesterday was hell. The thing you said about my blog, it wounded me as if there was a sharp knife that stabbed right into my heart. I felt so accused, it was so unfair. Apology said, but the hurt lingered on. Your replied flashed through in my mind while I was running, and tears started rolling down. I was drained in my own perspiration and tears I don’t know how to differentiate them, maybe for me, this is a blessing. Just by typing this out, it brings tears to me.

You told me so much, but things are still the same. Am I the variation now? I don’t know, you don’t say, I don’t know what to do. Maybe like what you said, it’s no longer mutual? I don’t know, I really don’t. I feel like a girl, lost in a jungle in the middle of the night, with nothing, no compass, no maps, nothing, and most of all, I’m the girl without any love, aid and help from anyone else.

Yesterday’s incident made me really mad, like fuming mad. I really felt like getting myself inked, ink your name and a phrase across my lower back. Know why, I wanted something to remind me each time I see it, like a reminder of my shame, my deeds and my unreturned love, and lastly to make me regret getting myself inked.

Choices were always opened for you, you never needed to beg to get anyone, and they flock to you like you’re the honey and they, the bees. I was like one of the bees, that tiny little one. Every new guy I meet reminds me of you. It’s getting really hurting, because everything they say or do, I’m able to think of you, it’s as though it’s a reflex, a reaction I cannot control. Even bus rides alone can make me cry.

Everything is like a mental torture now; the only time I feel safe from all these are when I’m sleeping which isn’t a lot. Well, maybe overworking myself out would be the solution. So I would be so tired till I’m unable to think of anything. The strong me seems to have dissipated since we ended things, and I really don’t like this. I’ve never wanted anyone like I wanted you, but is this how you feel for me too?

Your feelings, I would like to know;
Your love, I would love to get;
Your heart, I would want to keep.

my wants.

2010-09-25T17:38:00.000+08:00

I don’t understand why I rely so much on your promises and words. Sometimes I feel so dumb and naïve for placing this much hope on them. Because every time I placed my trust in it, I end up feeling like a fool, a huge moronic fool.

I don’t know if it’s because o f the amount of trust I have in you is too little, or is it me being paranoid, but no matter what, the insecurity level doesn’t seem to drop a single bit at all. If promises are meant to make someone feel safe and protected, I’m definitely not feeling any of those. Instead, I’ve grown to fear promises, anything that requires me to put my faith and trust; I do not dare choose to place them there.

Promises that came back to me with harsh truths, that’s what hurts me the most; knowing that I placed all my trust, faith, love and hopes on one, yet, I’ve gotten nothing but a huge tight slap from reality. Sometimes, I know that that would be what I’m going to get back ultimately, but again, I chose to place my faith in you like I always did, but the outcome would be like the same. And trust me, if I were to be persuaded and convinced by you one more time, my faith and all would be again, entrusted to you.

At times, I’m really the foolish, brainless girl who seems to believe every single thing that you say to me. I’m one who doesn’t let my pride and ego be placed at the bottom, but when things comes to you and love, those two are basically emotions that I throw way behind my mind, eventually my heart takes the lead.

I never fail to go to bed feeling secure, happy and satisfied after a chat with you every night, but reality hits me real hard when I see the real you. Time after time, I have to face the fact that I’m just the only silly one. Maybe I got so irrational after hearing what you said, read too much into it, placed too much of my own ideas and forgot to think from your point of view.

Different people different perspective is a term that I often use in school to describe the different ideologies that we all have, maybe it would be appropriate to apply it in what I’m facing now. Most probably, to you, it was acceptable, but to me, it was overboard. But again, I would tell myself “who the f*ck am I to care? Why should I be so affected? Am I just being some controlling b*tch?” I don’t know either.

To me, I feel like I’m more Scorpio and you’re the Libra. I as the Scorpio want to hold on to you so tight, wanting to know every single thing happening in your life while you as a Libra just want nothing else but freedom and the social circle inclusive of loads of opposite sex.

Occasions when I feel how I feel now, I dare say it’s not because of your actions, but because I feel insecure, jealous and the feeling of you falling in love with somebody else. I don’t know when this would happen. I sincerely wish for this to never happen, never ever to happen. I don’t know why but I believed that what you told me about how you’re feeling despite everything that has happened. But every time I see some things that happen, I just feel so lied to, so betrayed, so cheated, this never fails to happen all the time.

There are times when I really wanted to tell you not to do it, but I know you’re just really going to not do it instead of insisting it and doing it to prove me wrong, surprise me and make me melt. That’s so you. Now, you’re starting to lose your own language, you’re starting to sound like her more and more and it irritates me so much, because that is what you and her share in common. It’s showing, showing too much of the similarities. I’m starting to lose faith of your feelings and my beliefs.

Knowing how you actually felt for me makes me really touched and happy, but that was the past isn’t it? I’m not one who is going to be satisfied and be on cloud nine over something that happened in the past, I can only be elated if it is happening now. But this isn’t happening now, I’m not sure if it would ever happen with all the emotions and feelings I’m feeling.

I really don’t think how I feel is helping the situation. The lack of communication is killing me, if I can die because we don’t talk; I would’ve already rotted so long ago in the coffin. That is how much the lack in communication is killing me.

Appearing to be cold and happy just to hide all the insecurities and pain seems like a task these days. “The more you force yourself not to cry, the more numb you feel, the higher the possibility you’ll never cry again because you’re so numb that you forgets how pain, hurt and heartache feels like” this is what I don’t wish to become. No matter how hurtful a situation is, no matter how heart-wrenching an incident is, I never wish to stop crying. I don’t want to lose that important emotion and feeling for this is what differentiates what can be lost, and what you cannot live without.

I’m not the kind who takes the first step after such a long silence, I’m not daring enough to do so. This isn’t paddling where the only consequence is capsizing. There is so much to think about before talking to you. Sometimes I silently wished that I’m the one you’re texting instead, I’m the one you’re going out with, I’m the one you’re chatting with, I’m the one you’re waiting for…all these are small little things, yet they mean a lot to me, like really a lot. Because these are the things I’ll love to do with you, these are the little things that means a lot. But knowing the limitations, I know you wouldn’t be texting me, you wouldn’t be going out with me, you wouldn’t be chatting with me and you wouldn’t be waiting for me.

I want look, like how you used to;
I want to talk like before;
I want to go out like those good old days.

yet again.

2010-09-16T23:45:00.001+08:00

So long people; hope I sound really cheerful with this line.

I don’t know why I’m writing this blog, but I just feel so bottled up, it’s as if I’m ready to burse any moment from now. And after seeing something, I really feel like crying, crying my heart out.

I’m constantly in a dilemma; I don’t know why I am always placed in this kind of situation all the time. It’s like as if there’s a switch for it, something like a rheostat (more applicable). Every time when things get better, when I no longer feel anything, there must be something that makes the feeling comes back. And it just comes back for that day, and probably that hour, that moment.

I don’t know, I really want to know how you feel, but I don’t have the courage to talk to you and ask for the answers that I’ve been seeking for so long, so desperately. Yet I don’t know what I’m going to do if the answers are not the ones that I really like or wanted then what do I do then? I’m so lost, so confused of what I should do.

The worst part now is me alone, having thoughts and fond memories coming back. I know it has been so long, but, these are things that I cannot just get rid in my life. To me now, they are like mental torture to me and I really hate these moments. It’s like I know how it feels like, but I’ll never get to feel it again.

Sometimes I feel so dumb because I know it’s not going to happen, but the feeling still lingers, or rather, I don’t think it has ever disappeared; I was just forcing myself to focus on something else. All these while, I’ve been keeping myself really busy and tired, just for one reason – so that I wouldn’t think so much and go straight to sleep. Apparently it hasn’t been working.

Hate myself for loving you, so true.
I want to hear this: can we get back?

bias.

2010-09-02T23:56:00.001+08:00

Argh, instead of studying for my upcoming tests, I ended up succumbing to the temptations of my dear beloved comfy and cozy bed.

Things have been real rough recently for me; it’s like hitting the rocks again and again. What has gotten into me? In my whole life, this is my very first time experiencing this crap. This is not only going to affect me, I can sense the tension now at home already. Although I’m rarely at home, but I can tell, things aren’t really doing well here.

Tests next week and frankly speaking, I’m not prepared at all. I keep on procrastinating and I’m feeling so tired from training each day. By the time I reach home, unpack my stuffs and all, I already isn’t in the mood to study. Tomorrow is my free day; I need to make good and full use of the whole day. I’m going to stay at home, and finish all five modules of mine. Read all my presentations slides and pre-readings.

Humans have double standard, it’s never possible for one to say one thing and always do it, there would be times when he gives in to things because of personal reasons. I just cannot stand the fact that it’s constantly happening. It’s ridiculous and nonsensical; comparing juveniles’ acts and that of yours, I can only spot similarities and no differences.

So much for the talk last night, things were looking well and fine until I talked to you again today. It’s a total change, a total opposite. I was the one who didn’t watch my tone last night, and today, I feel that it is your tone that went overboard. I was merely asking a question, do you need to give me all that doubts? If you mean to clarify, well, it didn’t sound like clarification, to me; it is questioning and doubting me.

Seriously, there are times when I just feel like going to them and tell them I want to leave. It’s not because I’m not doing well, it’s not because my crew hates me or something, it’s just really tiring. The training intensity and stuff we do isn’t really a relaxed one. It’s already a mind torture, and there is you, standing there, doing things making life really difficult.

“With great power, comes great responsibility”; yes, I know. From that very day you talked about how irresponsible I was because I wasn’t able to be there on time, I knew what is going on. To me, it’s just you being biased. I don’t know what you’re really getting at, but well, it hurts.

All that scrutiny you have to give, all that criticism and those sarcastic remarks are really driving me to the wall. Training isn’t as mental draining as compared to the words and actions that you do, isn’t this absurd? The training is supposed to kill me, but no, it’s you who is making things really hard for me. Even asking you a question now can drive me nuts.

There are times when I just feel like going to you, say things straight in your face, but I cannot. I know I’m just not strong enough. I don’t know why, but now, when I get angry and all, I no longer rebut back, instead I get so frustrated I cry. This is so weak in my sense. How can I cry when it’s not even my fault?

To come to think of it, just what is your problem? Can’t you just treat me like a normal person? Do you really have to go to such extents? Do you realize how difficult you’ve made my life become? You keep telling me to reflect on my own faults, but don’t you also have your own faults? Why is it always me doing the reflections? Sometimes I really want to tell you, “I don’t fucking have a problem” but what will happen next? You’ll just reply asking me to watch my tone. But why you lose it, your tone goes off, what happen? I’m not to say anything about it, because it’ll not be of any use. You kept asking me what I want you to do. Fact is, would you really do it if I tell you? Will what I want you to do be what you really want to do? But why is it that after all you’ve done to me, I still want you back in my life? People around me telling me that you’re just not worth it, but why do I think otherwise?

Times like now, I really wished that I’ve never known you at all.

friends.

2010-08-31T23:39:00.000+08:00

Been a few days since I last blogged, well, I’m trying to keep it up this way, blogging once a few days, if possible, maybe I’ll blog every single day like how I used to.

Blog and twitter are my sources in getting my feelings and thoughts across to you because we no longer talk. But I guess I’ve been writing too much on it and you don’t like. Maybe it’s like different people sees things and interpret them differently.

Also came to realize that true friends are really hard to find. True friends are not people whom you can find with time. To find out who they are, you need to go through both ups and downs, like the real happy ones and the ones which seems like it’s going to kill you.

Through this year, I found out my true friends. Some of which are the real surprising ones because I’ve never thought I’ll even befriend them. They were the ones who were there, lending me the shoulder when I needed one, the one who curse the person who made me cry when I confide in them, the ones who empathize me when I’m going through my downs, the ones who never fail to make fun of me because of my hectic training schedules, and lastly the ones who always bring a grin/smile/smirk back on my face that was once covered with tears.

Sarcasm is like the language we communicate with each other now, I can just be infront and you have to convey a message by talking to someone else so that you can get the idea across without needing to talk to me directly, well, so I’m doing the same back to you.

Things were like wave, good and very bad. Chances were said to be given, well, I don’t know anything to comment on that point. But if you say there are, then there are. I’m not going to question you like how you question me, because trust me, eventually it’ll be me giving in.

Sometimes I really feel like slapping you or kicking your balls and telling the whole wide world what you did, but, I cannot bear to. It is like no matter what wrong I felt you did to me, I cannot bear to place the blame on you. Am I stupid or what?

Sometimes when I come to think of it, I feel so stupid. Why did I even fall for you in the first place? I’ve thought through that if I’ve never had gotten this close with you, would things be the same for me now. Sometimes I really wished that I had never known you, but I miss the memories that you gave me. Yes like what you said, you’re not just someone who can make me smile, you’re someone who is worth my tears, or so I think.

But now, things are different, you’ve changed. You’re enjoying your every moment, having someone else making the day for you. All the best to you then and good luck, because I believe you’ll need it someday.

If I could rewind time, I wouldn’t change a single thing,
except for the fact that I agreed.

realizations

2010-08-26T00:06:00.001+08:00

I realized how dumb and blinded I have been. Wishes at 11.11 have always been the same old one, even up till now, still wishing for that same thing to happen.

Now I’m considering of quitting and leaving, just walk off now. It’s a total mental torture. You just keep doing it again and again, it affects me so much. Today alone is enough to kill me. Know how hurtful and pissed off I felt when you replied the way you did? And all I did was kept quiet cause I don’t want to make you look bad.

I’ve never gave in to someone this much before, never, but for you I did. Well, most probably you’re just going to say I’m making you look bad. Now, just think, did I keep mum like how I did now. Don’t be bias, just think.

The way you react made me fuming mad. It is overboard. It never fails to make me flare up, maybe I should think of that incident before my races, it might give me that aggression that I need to work on. In my point, it was more of an eye for an eye, which was exactly how you treated me, you can, I cannot. Now you know how I feel when you do that.

If this was war, I would raise the white flag and surrender, like what I said before, I’m tired and sick of the mental games. I’m not strong, no more. I give up. I don’t know when I will fall, and this time, if I really do fall, I’ll wound myself so much that I’ll never get back up ever.

You made me Philophobic.
I was left to clean the mess myself, face the faults myself without your support.
I was supposed to stand up stronger this time round,
but I failed to do so.

bad debt.

2010-08-24T23:40:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I start to wonder, why am I so affected by what you did? Is it a habit or is it because of the feelings I still have for you. I’m not sure either. It’s so confusing and hard to explain and understand.

Getting really sick and tired of the mind games you’re playing, it’s a total mental drainage. You’ve turned into someone without a mind. Maybe like what people always say, “people change with time” but instead of changing for the better, well, I see you that you’ve changed for the worse.

The so called friends you have, the clique you call, drifting away from you. Even your new found friends are drifting away. Maybe because of the kind of “fun” you bring about attracts opposite sex to you, and most probably you don’t mind those attention because it’s from the opposite sex.

I feel so restricted now, it’s like I’m not supposed to even say a single thing; it is my own account, and I’m not supposed to express how I really feel. Where are my rights? Must you always go against me? After all that I’ve done and given you, now this is the way you treat me.

Well, not only has what I’ve mentioned above given me problems, I can feel my body failing me now. During training today, while paddling, I felt sharp piercing pain in my left knee. It was very scary, it happened so suddenly. I was kind of lost, and I didn’t know what to expect. The next thing I thought of was someone else I knew of who also had knee problem, and I definitely don’t want the same thing to happen to myself.

Not only is my knee giving me problem, my shoulder ache so much till it gets tender with touch, ankle isn’t any better, putting it in certain position will trigger pain, now even my left calf is giving me problems, the cramp that I had yesterday left this sore on it, till now, it hurts.

Overuse injuries seems like it has become a norm for me now, abrasions are starting to love me too. Been getting one too many, mother saw those on my chest and she asked if I was okay, and where did those things come from. Mom, don’t you worry, I’ll not hurt myself intentionally because of some break up I’ve been going through.

Well, you’re nothing but a debt in my life, draining me of whatever I currently have.

repeats.

2010-08-24T00:28:00.001+08:00

Well, once again, I’m here to blog.

Been really drained, body isn’t feeling well, rather feverish now, mind is really in a whirl. Though not much new things had happened, there are still things that affect me a lot.

Think I’m really living a cycle now, some things basically happen on a daily basis. The good things don’t last, and the bad always has to repeat. Sometimes I really wish that my life is like a fairytale, where I would wake up in a castle and meet my Prince Charming who will come riding on a horse and marry me and there we will be, living in his castle, happily, ever, after. But sad to know, I’m no longer a kid who believes in prince charming, and in life, there is nothing called happily ever after.

Life is always full of drama independent of where you live, what you do, who you are. Sometimes in life you’ll meet some jerks who break all those promises and you’ll meet those bitches who make your life so difficult. The worst thing to ever happen is when you treat someone seriously, yet they treat you like a fling. Well, isn’t it hurtful just to think of that?

Right now, I’ve got to tell myself, sometimes people out there are just there to get you, to make you go to your all time low and their aim would be for you to never come back up, ever. To think of those hurtful things you said about me and the people you call friends just makes me think twice about your character. Guess I’m wrong about you right from the start, you’re one with a fake charisma, your true colours comes out when we get to know you well. Easy to read and predict because you’re just that typical hypocrite.

Your double standard that drives me crazy, it is just so obvious you’re out against me. Must you really go to that extend? Is it really needed? Do you really enjoy seeing me in pain and agony? You make life so difficult for me, you love doing that? Well, I didn’t get to choose the kind of responsibility I have. If I were given a chance, I’ll not want that responsibility. If you think it’s easy, I’ll let you have that responsibility, I’m more than glad to.

Sarcasm is supposed to be the language to talk to fools for they will not know that you’re using it against them. But hello there, I’m not a fool; I know what you really mean. I can bet you wouldn’t love it when somebody who you care for to talk to you like that, do you? Can’t you just be nicer and kinder to me, at least think of how you used to treat me in the past and compare to what you’re doing to me now.

All I wanted was just a serious kind of treatment which would last, not some which turns a total opposite. Well, it hurts. Memories were supposed to be the thing that ties people together, the one that reminds each other of their good, but these fond memories are killing me. Goodness, it’s a total drainage of me. How I wish I’m like the reservoir, I want to drain these memories out too.

Yes, life is full of ups and downs; nothing is ever going to be perfect; people are not going to be there for you forever.

Letting go is the hardest thing to do when you still love the person;
Hanging on is the impossible when the other one gave someone his heart.

dying soon.

2010-08-16T00:31:00.001+08:00

I think I’m crazy, because instead of going to bed now, I’m blogging now.

Life is such a roller coaster ride for me. Sometimes it’s awesomely great, and other times it’s nothing but loads of disappointments.

Although it was kind of expected, the process of working on the proposal till when it got rejected was still not a pleasant one. The kind of support that I was expecting lacked the most. It was like nobody had the faith in themselves. And I thought this whole thing would help in the boosting of the morale, well, it didn’t.

Semester ended, and it is nothing but goodbyes. Yes, I do have people I dislike to the core, but still there are people whom I met who really changed my life and perspective for it. They taught me lots of things, opened my eyes to wonders I’ve never seen, make me feel awesome when I know they are there for me during my lowest time of my life. Friends were made; friendships were further developed from there.

One by one, people I know are leaving. All I feel is waste. Although I’m not really the “till-death-do-us-part” kind of relationship with them, it’s still sad to see them leave. Through these hardships, we built a bond, a bond so special I’ve never felt anything like it before, and now, these interconnected bonds are broken one by one, so sad.

Spent my whole day at home rotting, lucky for I have cable television programs. Watched Gran Torino this afternoon, and I cried. It’s just so touching how people can feel for each other. Maybe after all, humans do still feel emotions. But it was kind of too dragy for me; I kept wandering off to other channels while watching it.

Don’t know why, I’ve been gaining so much weight recently, it is scary. I’ve been eating a lot recently too, having dinner after training around nine plus, and feeling hungry after two hours. I’ve never felt like this before. Weight gets heavier, appetite gets bigger and my clothes now feel so much smaller, it feels as if I’m pregnant, goodness.

My abs aching so badly today when I woke up, I can hardly sit straight. To add on to my misery, I hit my tailbone so badly the area is totally bruised. To make things worse, I fell and sat right on the exact same spot, now I’m shifting my butt while sitting from left cheek to the right one and back again. It is like a cycle now, left, right, left, right…

I swear I must have fallen and injured myself last night while I was sleeping, my abs feels as if someone went to hit me. The ache is so bad; it feels like it is bruised from inside out. I cannot even straighten my torso now; even standing straight is a difficulty to me. The worse thing is that panaflex has no effects on it!

Not only are my abs aching, my old injuries are all acting up again. The sharp piercing pain in my inner thigh while running, the shoulder/deltoid pain while paddling and gymming, knee giving way while running, ankle swelling at night and in the early morning, aches and pain from both my wrist after gym sessions; all these are so irritating and bothering.

I’m constantly worried about how these injuries will behave in the near future. I cannot stop training now and go and rest those injuries, I just don’t have the time to do so. It all boils down to all that I’ve learnt in class – taping and bandaging, cryotherapy and thermotherapy.

It is going to be four months, and I’ve not let it go. I swear it is not because I don’t want to. Trust me, you’ve done enough to turn any girl off, but it’s just not working on me at all. Is it because I know you’re good, is it because you were once so nice and sweet to me, is it because I still think you love me? Good gracious, how naïve can I get? Sometimes I post something just to make you tell me things I want to hear, which girl doesn’t do that, but again, you’re not that kind of guy, wasn’t one, will not be one.

You’re always true on your comments, you don’t care if it is going to hurt, and you just say it. Just like how you stared at me the other time, as if I murdered your whole family. It frightened me, left me in shock, till now, I still remember that stare of yours. The way you told me things I dreaded to hear, but I know at the back of my mind, that is how you truly feel.

People call me dumb, naïve, and you curse and swear at me, telling me things that I don’t even think/know I have. It’s nothing but hurt. What to do, it’s all over, I cannot go back into history to change anything can I? Like what you said, “I cannot control how you feel can I?” yea, you cannot control how I feel/think, neither can I control how you feel/think. What I can do is plain hoping and trusting you that you are what you say, that you don’t like/love anyone else now. But is it enough for me? Are us being friends enough for me? No, I don’t think so. But no matter what I say/do, nothing can change our status quo, it’s not about me, it’s about you.

Confusion is all that I feel now;
Delusions are all that I see now;
Yet you are all that I think of now.

puke.

2010-08-14T00:30:00.002+08:00

All of a sudden, I feel like there’s a huge burden on me. Everything I do just doesn’t seem to go on well. I know life is full of ups and downs, but does all the downs have to come at one go. All I feel and see are my tears welling up in my eyes, yet I cannot cry it out. I am seriously in need of some getaway.

How can somebody who meant so much to you just turn their back against you? You were once everything they wish for; they were once the one who brings joy, smiles, laughter, concern, care and everything nice to your life,yet now they treat you like a passerby in their lives. Nothing can hurt more than seeing how things have become.

Dramas, we all watch them; I really don’t wish to experience any drama in my life. All I wanted was just a normal life, school, friends, sports and family. I never did ask for anything extraordinary till I met you. You gave me all I’ve never felt before; brought me to places I never imagined myself going, I had experiences that will stay life-long, and sadly to say, the hurt is also going to be with me till I die.

How can someone you meet in life become someone you’ll live or die for? It sounds weird and almost ridiculous isn’t it? Initially, I felt the same way too, till I realized I felt that exact same way for you. Never have I thought that I would be this serious in life, all I dreamt was nothing but another great person who will pass by my life without much memories. You proved that I was all so wrong.

Your appearance was a special one. I treated you like a gem that I’ve dug out myself; given you all I could, controlled my temper like I’ve never done before, learnt to do things I’ve never done for anyone before. All these are just not enough; I’m just not good enough.

There are times when we argued that I feel like just flaring up, bombard you with all I feel and add vulgarities to it, but I controlled, say some, hide most, and it wasn’t something you really prefer. All these I hide it, I did it last time, and I did it now. I’m not sure if you knew. I didn’t want to hurt you with all I feel, I didn’t want to use it as an excuse, I didn’t want the blame to be all on you.

All the nice and sweet stuff you did for me are all imprinted in my mind and heart. I didn’t like to get so close to a person because I know how bad it will feel when they just turn and walk away. You came into my life and I opened my heart to you, you gave me great times and memories, and it all fades away, scars are all that is left.

I hate it when I do something and it has to be proven wrong by you; I hate to see you walk pass me without a smile like you used to; I dislike it when I’ve got an idea and you have to say something really mean; I’m disgusted at myself when I fail to meet my responsibilities and have you tell me in your way.

Why is it that people whom you were so close to now become total strangers or people who stab your back now? There are facts I feel that I kept it all to myself because I don’t want to add the burden to you. I really want you to know how I feel, but the more I say, the more tensed the situation becomes. I suck at all these, I really do. I’ve never drag something this long, never.

I know you’re suffering more than I am, I know nothing I do is going to make you feel better. I told you how I really feel, and it hurts like mad when you replied the way you did. When the replies were sent, flashbacks bombarded me. The past and present was a total opposite. Hopes were gone and tears and fears took its place.

Everything you did for me in the past, I appreciated it, and all I could wish for is me to feel it again. I don’t want to cry because of this sad feeling; I want tears of happiness instead. Changes were what I wanted, but it became so impossible with the stubborn personality of mine. I swear I’ve never given in as much as I did for you, but to you it was just not enough.

When I got angry with you, all I wanted was you to hold me tight, but you just watched me walk off and got pissed. In the end, it ended up with two people angry. There is no longer the determination to keep it going. It is like the flame is extinguished, it just isn’t the same anymore and it hurts.

I became vulgar and loud to hide the pain, and it irritated you. Things went off well, and it has to always end up downright bad. Admitting isn’t the key now, there just isn’t one single thing I can do to make things right. I’m disgusted with myself – a lying, control freak.

I’m so tired with all these happening. No more support from you, no more morning texts telling me when to leave house to meet you, no more going to your house after training, no more movies on special days. I gave everything I could, but I’m just not good enough for you.

Disgusted by myself.

low.

2010-08-11T10:01:00.000+08:00

The last blog post I had was like half a month ago.

Things had been so hectic, schedule have been so packed. I’m now so drained out both physically and mentally. Good news is that holiday is coming, this week is the last week of the semester and I’ll be out for holiday for the next three weeks. But, good things always come to an end right? I’ll be training my ass out for the next three weeks! Hope this would be something tiring yet good.

Have been craving for KOI recently, it isn’t really a good thing. I think I’m getting fatter each day; I can squeeze fats from my abdomen already. It’s just saddening to know this, but well, truth hurts.

Been hard to concentrate in class recently, so much has happened. Damn.

Thinking back, there are faults that I hate, times that are totally stupid, moments that are just plain sweet and comforting. But well, it’s the past isn’t it? There’s nothing I can do to relive it again with the same you. It’s like I no longer know you, you lost that identity when I talk to you.

We can barely continue on a conversation without an argument. Reflections I do, it doesn’t seem to work. Every time I sense a difference in tone, I feel accused. It is as if I’m accused of something I didn’t do.

You’re just no longer obliged to listen to my thoughts and think of how I feel because we’re no longer related. Shall just block it all out so I wouldn’t feel so shitty or rather jealous. Stupid and naïve me. Now at times, I feel like talking to you, but again, on the other hand, I do not know what to talk to you about. It’s a want, but is it a can?

I can't even find a place to start
How do I choose between my head and heart
Till it ceases I never know
How do you get up from an all time low
All Time Low – The Wanted

gone.

2010-07-27T23:22:00.002+08:00

It’s been so long since I last blogged.

I still remember I stated that I want to forget you and move on in my last blog post that had you, and when I’m doing it, I felt that it is so impossible because I still love you so damn effing much.

Sometimes I wonder: do you love me this much, as much as I love you? Do you still think of us and wished that we were still together?

I’ve been trying so madly hard to forget you, to move on. But every time, I realized it was just a failure. When a guy treats me nice, I think of you treating me nice. When would I forget that you’re good? When I think of the times we have together, I feel like crying, because I feel so dumb, because you don’t feel the same for me.

When we broke up, I cried, cried like a baby in your arms. That’s how hurt I was, but what about you? All I see is you happy with your status quo – single AND available. Weekends is getting so hard to get by, because I used to spend it with you, only you. But now, I’m all alone, or rather, I think I’m isolating myself.

There are times when I just feel like packing my bag, take my card and passport and just walk away. Walk away from all these feelings and emotions. Long bus rides used to be my favorite because I’ve got you, but now, I hate it for it brings the flashbacks and memories.

Now, I find it so hard to focus in class or at home while studying. I keep thinking about you and us. Will we be back together again? Do you still love me? Are you with some other people (girls)? Good gracious, all these thoughts are killing me and distracting me. I effing hate these thoughts. Why aren’t I able to let it go and not affect me like how it is not affecting you?

Now I hate myself for agreeing with the break up with you, hate it totally. Guess it is too late? In other words: good game jasmine.

FUCK MY EFFING ALREADY-SO-BAD LIFE
HATE MYSELF FOR LOVING YOU SO DEEPLY TILL NOW.

2010-06-27T22:17:00.001+08:00

27^th June 2010, Sunday was definitely a fruitful day for me. Today was the fourth race I’ve had since I joined canoe. And today is the very day I received my very first canoe medal, it’s a silver cookie! So awesome!
HEY! I’ve gotten that cookie for you hor! =D

That cookie could have been a golden one, but yea, mistakes have been made. Stupid me, didn’t even went around asking where was the ending line, we were happily “yay-ing” on the boat when we thought we crossed the “finishing line” haha! So damn MALU CAN! =) It’s okay, we know who the medal really belong to. Like what you told me, it’s the process, not the results.

Okay, so yea, first medal gotten made me a really happy girl. The happiest part of the day would be me hugging my partner after we know the results and me receiving medal from the G.O.H. it was a total awesome experience.

Been thinking through things, been hearing things. I’ve processed it all, maybe I just don’t know you well enough then, that’s why I was so hurt, hurt by someone I don’t even know well. Guess that explains it all, the misunderstandings, those mis-thoughtful arguments we have.. ARGH. STOP! I shall not make myself think of such things anymore.

Been very clumsy recently, kicked onto things, then I’ve gotten nose bleed so often it’s getting scary. I need to take care of myself! And I need to watch my very diet now, no more ice creams =( so sad. =(

Okay, time to sleep. Ciaos.

I don’t know if I want to hope
‘cause I don’t want to walk away crying this time.

new.

2010-06-25T23:36:00.004+08:00

It has been some time since I posted something on my own blog. Had been too busy with stuffs recently; the UTs, the training, all the fun.

Talking about my UTs, my grades are getting from bad to worse. My UT grades were normally better than average, but now I’m getting every single possible grades. I’ve gotten an A, B, C and D already, I really don’t plan to see the rest of the grades popping out. I really don’t wish to screw my own GPA with an E or F appearing for my module grades.

I was so engrossed in some other distractions that I forsaken my studies; totally the worst decision I’ve ever made was to not study. I thought I could just smoke through all my UT, but no, this never happens in year two. I need to buck up, like totally!

Okay had my second strength test since I joined canoe, it’s been another evening of proving myself wrong. That’s the time you tell yourself “YES! I CAN DO IT” and then you do it. Limitations are what you set for yourself, so overcome that limitation of yours and yes, do it!

UT2 is coming like so fast! I’m still in holiday mood; I’ve been like that two weeks before the holiday actually started. Till now, I’m still in the holiday kind of feeling; totally hate it because it makes me want to not go to school and all. It is totally making me a bigger and lazier pig.

Anyway, got to know new friends, I hope you all know who you are if you’re reading this. LOVE the fact that you all entertain me, especially with chui faces (you know who you are), entertaining me in class by webcam-ing me( choose me choose me; mature young man), spamming my msn chat whenever I’m online (ALL OF YALL!) I TOTALLY ENJOYED MYSELF! LOVE IT YO! AWESOME, do it FREQUENTLY ALRIGHT! =D

And thanks to all the late nights, my nose has been starting to bleed very often. It is a total mess to clear after the bleeding. It is kind of scary how often my nose actually bleeds, wonder what’s wrong with me.

Sunday, Singapore International Water Fest 2010, my fourth race of the year. First was NJCC, then NWKC, then it was NCC, now I’m adding SIWF. It’s going to be a fruitful experience for me. Before this, all I wanted was the medal, but now, I know it’s the process that counts. Yes, a medal means a lot; it allows you to know that your hard work actually paid off, but if the process was naught, the whole race means shit.

I’ve grown up, matured.
Sunday; All or Nothing.
One race, One Set, One Chance;
Make it worthwhile Jasmine.

hopeful wishing.

2010-06-18T01:41:00.001+08:00

Oh gosh, I thought all these are like the past. I’ve ever thought that a simple sight of couple would make me have the sudden flood of emotions. I hate this feeling to the core.

Today was like tiring because I was up till 2.30am web-caming. Okay, my fault, no one else to blame but myself. I was actually this tired till I fell asleep while other teams were presenting, awesome, now I’m so getting downgraded.

Anyways, training was good. Though it was as tiring as ever, I enjoyed every second of it. I got to actually feel how tired I am and I love that feeling. It is the feeling one gets after working out real hard in the gym. The pain is all worth it! Not to forget the run. Love it, tried my very best, and I know I can be better in time to come. I am now aiming for single digits for my 2.4km. I hope I can really achieve it this very year.

After training, went for dinner at the kopitiam around woodlands with choo, joey and chong soon. Everything seemed alright at that point till I was at the interchange waiting for bus. Awesome, right beside me was a lovey-dovey couple. And I thought to myself “it’s okay” and yea, I thought it was the end, but it wasn’t. I fell asleep and woke up because I jerked, as usual, to see another couple playing ipod touch like how we used to. OMG, that was the very trigger point.

From the point where I saw the second couple, I kept having flashbacks. Awful was the best word to describe my feel at that very point of time. I hate the feeling of being alone, and yet the truth is I’m really alone. I couldn’t wipe the awesome memories I had with YOU out ever since.

Tears just flowed like nobody’s business. I couldn’t stand it, and I went down for a run. Yes, so crazy indeed, running at such a time, but what to do, physical pain numbs me. Thought it was over, went to bathe and cried even badly. Went in crying, bathed while crying came out and I’m still crying. Such a baby! Hate my emotions; don’t know why I feel so much now, it’s weird! But thanks to friends, I’m feeling so much better now.

Don’t know what I was doing when we broke up. I’ve lived my life without you thinking everything would be as great as it used to, but still, I guess I was just lying to myself. Touched my heart, and yes, I still love you as ever, but you don’t. I know now is not the very time to get emotional and all, but I sort of just cannot help it. I’ve always been pretending and hiding. Telling myself I need to curse and swear and hate you, but I just cannot bring myself to do that, it just ain’t right to hate someone you love.

Awesome, I still love you.
But the important thing is, DO YOU LOVE ME?
Deep down in my heart, I want you to.
My hopes are held high, but at the same time I feel that disappointment is just a feet away from me.

baby.

2010-06-05T23:37:00.000+08:00

Like what I’ve mentioned before, so much has happened.
I believed from all these I’ve grown, learnt and understood.
Like what someone told me: “being stubborn doesn’t give the person the reason to dump you for they have to love your everything, including the bad”
My love was like that for him but his love isn’t like that for me, I’ve grown wiser for he’s just not there anymore; I’ve learnt things the hard way, starving myself for days, wasting my training and hurting myself just to get his attention; lastly, understood this, there are things that cannot be forced (gonna live with what you left me with, they will be fine with me). =)

Okay, not going to blog about all these, let’s talk about me, yes ME! =)

Basically, everyone who knows me understand how much I’m into piercings, since I’ve gotten my very first piercing in secondary one, I’ve been addicted to it, the second pair and third and etcetera just came soon after.

In the past I still had reasons to tell myself not to pierce, like I’ll get detention or punished if I were to get caught by any teachers who sees the piercings. But since I’m now in polytechnic, there’s nothing stopping me anymore. So basically, I’ve got a lot of ear piercings, 6 on the lobes, 2 tragus, 5 helix. Since secondary school I’ve wanted to get a facial piercing, and guess what I did! On 31^st May 2010, Monday, I’ve gotten my eyebrow piercing! Was really happy with it till the day Yipeng pierced his eyebrow. His cost so much cheaper and his piercing was on such a nicer position! =( But still, I’ve gotten an eyebrow piercing UNLIKE SOME OTHERS WHO CANNOT GET IT! HAH!!! =P

Anyway, that’s not the only thing happening this week; I went to Gary’s house for some class gathering. So cool huh! I know, this is because I’ve got cool and great classmates! AWESOME! Was having this barbeque session in Gary’s house. His house is EFFING HUGE! Like damn brand new, everything was new, everything was big! Went to his room on the third floor, it’s like WHAO! Totally shut me up. It’s like so new and cozy; it’s like a haven of his own; and he said he was the one who designed his own room, totally so cool!

Okay, so yea, cameras with flash went on and off, and practically every single shot I was in, I had food with me. Hah, guess I’m officially labeled a glutton, the glutton who is small. I’ll accept that as something great though, I don’t mind eating non-stop without needing to worry about my weight and size, its bliss.

So yea, there was alcohol, beer, desert wine, and a 1998 red wine, a totally enjoying session and chill out night at Gary’s. Definitely, not to forget the Guitar Hero we played at the living room at the third story. Yea, there was like living room at every storey of his house, his house is HUMOGOUS. We should really do this again. *hints*

Okay, so a lot has happened, I’ve learnt, to be frank, I gained. I learnt how independent I am from all these crap that happened. I’ve realized who are true and who’s fake. I guess love is buried deep down within me now, too deep to ever reach it again.

Thank you for the gifts you gave me, I’ll take care of them.
Maybe I’ll let you meet them when time is right.

repeat.

2010-06-02T23:55:00.000+08:00

I’m starting to wonder, am I still the same old me.
After all that had happened, the bubbly me is gone, what is left is me with a mask, always pretending to be happy, forcing myself to enjoy things when I don’t really feel like it.
I keep telling myself, I need to pick myself up, forget all the awesome times I had with you, but I just can’t.
It’s like you’re part of my life; you revolve around me.
Every time I see you, I cringe up in pain; I’m wondering when all these pain would end.

Knowing that you’ve got other girl(s) in your life that you’re totally into makes me cry. I don’t know why I cry, but I did. I cannot control it AT ALL.

It’s like no matter how much I tell myself not to, I still cry when I think of the break up. It is this hurtful. Goodness gracious, it’s like a cycle. I cry, I tell myself I’ll be better, I get better, and I’m back to crying. This cycle is on repeat mode, and knowing you’ve got HER doesn’t make anything better.

I don’t understand how and why you let things go so easily. In the past you wanted it so badly, but that other time you asked for me to let go.

Okay, I’m stopping here, tears are just flowing non-stop, and I’m going to cry myself to sleep now.

I don’t understand why we ended, everything was great till then.
All I hope for was a rewind back to the past, when WE were still TOGETHER love.

31052010

2010-06-01T01:59:00.000+08:00

It’s been quite some time since I last blogged, so yes, I’m here now.
So much has happened over this week, both great and lousy ones.

Let me just touch on the recent NCC 2010 first. The competition was great, I mean, though I didn’t manage to get a medal home, I did know that I’ve done my very best; I gave all out and had no regrets.

I participated in the K2 events with my partner Zixin. We didn’t have great training sets, instead we were capsizing so often during training we thought we were just impossible, but somehow somewhat we managed to prove ourselves wrong. On the competition day itself, there were dramas too, me being angry and it ended up having her feeling the heat. But we just kind of shrug it off when our next event came. I calmed her down, reassured her, she gave me the power and I felt her pull, every stroke we took, we moved, every breath we took, we pulled. We tried our very best to be in sync, and when the results were out, we were both happy with it. We made it to finals for 2 out of the three events we were in; we did whatever we could to win, THANKS A LOT PARTNER! =D

Okay, so done with the competition, haha, guess it’s really summarized this time. Okay let me talk about 31^st May 2010, Monday now. That was a great day! Went out with JANINE! Bought a new pair of shoes and yes, EYEBROW PIERCING! It’s just great! I’ve got no photos of my piercing process cause the person who was piercing my eyebrow was covering me =(. But nevermind, at least the piercing is there! =)

It’s kind of great to have her there, I mean, I intended to pierce it with HIM, but it’s just not happening anyway. She sat there watching my piercing process, though technically she didn’t really see it, but still, she was there. It was totally like moral support, though I know I don’t really need it when it comes to pain. Yes, like what EILEEN TAN said, I didn’t even feel a pinch.

I went into the piercing room worried about the pain and all, it looks kind of scary especially when I saw the piercer taking out the sterile piercing needle, and it was like, thick to me? At least I know it was thicker than the ones that I pierce my ears with. She was sitting there all the while, staring the person’s back I guess! Haha! Totally, epic!

Then we went to Gary’s, BBQ, had a drink, I ate a lot, non-stop to be precise, and before I went home, I played with his guitar hero, it totally was like a drug, once I started playing, I didn’t feel like leaving, OH GOSH! How I wished his house was near mine. By the way, he’s house is huge, I mean the huge huge!!!

Okay, so I guess this marks the end of the post, got to go, going to help out in tomorrow’s junior training, all the best to my eyebrow piercing recovery! =)

Sometimes I just wished you cared.
I guess I still love you; I hate that to the core.

fcuk my life.

2010-05-26T00:32:00.001+08:00

I hate it the most when my mind tells me to let go, but my heart tells me otherwise.

WHAT THE FCUK IS WRONG WITH ME?! Why can’t they work together in the same direction? Goodness, so much of the human motor huh!

Anyway, I’ve decided this; I’m not going to update him or anyone about my status anymore. Be it improving for the better or dying soon, I will face it alone. The fact is this; you dumped me here alone to face the shit, so I MUST face it alone.

Yes, like what my previous super duper long post, I’ve learnt to face the reality. And to put it in simple term, you DON’T love me, period. Hah, it’s easy for me to say it here, so easy to just type it out, talk is cheap, and saying and proving is totally different things with a different difficulty too.

But I guess things are just easier for me now, since I know you no longer love me. It just becomes easier, simply because the extreme hurt I’m feeling now is actually easier for me to hide. Guess it’s something similar to conditioning? Because I’m constantly exposed to this shit, I’m now numb, yes NUMB. I no longer remember how the pains of seeing you feels, I no longer feel the pain when you ignore me, I’m starting to not feel anything when I see the tan lines of the bands that we bought together and also the fact that you peeled off the stickers I made and bought for you. Yes, it hurts, but the natural analgesic is kicking in soon in time to come.

Competition is coming; this would be my third competition, but again my FIRST one without you. Yes, take this, WITHOUT YOU. All the other competitions, I had you there for me, I wake up to seeing a message from you, a checklist to what I should and need to do, all the love I have from you, the affirmation that I am going to do it without problems. But this time, I’m going to go through it alone. I kind of doubt myself, I’m always relying on you for this affirmation, it’s like the trust you have in me gives me the power to succeed. I don’t know why, but even things that you say that I don’t agree make me feel motivated to push myself even more for you. I still remember during NJCC, I actually cried when I didn’t make it to finals. It wasn’t because I disappointed coach, but because I felt that I disappointed you. I hide my tears behind your Oakleys and cried while I was doing the cool down. But now, this is the past. With all you gave me in the past, I’ll stand up to face everything myself, but now, I’m stronger.

Yes, please bid goodbye to the Jasmine you once knew. The Jasmine who relied on you, the one who love you, and the one who was hurt so deeply is gone. Now I’m changed, just like you, in time, I will no longer feel any pain you brought me. Yes, feelings for you will be hidden, it will only be released out again when you come back to me, but everyone knows, you wouldn’t come back to me.

I will now train hard, train smart to become one of the strongest. I’m going to make sure I’m back on my feet fighting myself and the feelings I have for you. All the hurt I’m going through would become the generator of power for me. Yes, I will pretend like everything is alright even if it is killing me inside. I no longer have faith in anything, after all you put me through, I’ve grown, I’ve seen through things, friends, love, you.

No matter what I say or do, I still love you.
This is a fact that nobody can deny.
Sometimes I need to understand,
at times, love is just not reciprocated.

random.

2010-05-22T23:25:00.002+08:00

All of a sudden, I felt like blogging.
The very first time I felt like blogging, I always found it a chore to blog, and I used it as an outlet to let YOU understand how I’m feeling without needing to tell you.
All the love, all the misses I have, all the hurt I feel.

Life has been going on fine for me, it’s a lot easier when I’ve got friends like my classmates, and it makes things so much easier for me to hide the hurt.
Yes, still love him, but it doesn’t matter anymore.
I’ve come to realized that things aren’t the same anymore.
We did not just quarrel or something, it has ended.
Yes, I’m still going to go back to you if there’s a chance, but there’s not going to be any.

Recently, I’ve come to realize how love had given me so much and yet, taken away as much at the same time. When I was in love, I forgot about every single thing, the world just revolved around him. I lost all balance in life for the fact that he basically swept me off my feet. He became the one I was living for and also the one I would die for. That was what love meant to me, the love I had for him.

When everything was over, it all came crashing down. My passion was gone, my love was doomed, life was screwed, and every single good thing that happened to me seems like a plot, a good plot that one would use to get what they want from me. And after they get it, make sure that everything is okay; they leave you there, with a broken heart.

Everything seemed too good to be true at that point of time, but because of love, I was blinded. I don’t know how I’m feeling now. Guess I’m numb now, I don’t feel anything. Putting on a smile is simple, but making sure it is sincere is a chore. The bubbly, cheerful and the ME who was loved by you is gone, and in replacement, there am I now, the one who smiles, the one who eats, the one who plays, but without the passion, without the love, without any pain.

I’ve came to accept the fact that everything is normal now, it’s going to be like the life I had before I met you, yes, before I met you, not before we were together but before I met you. We’re now behaving as if we don't even know each other, worse than strangers, you don’t talk to me, neither do you care. I don’t even dare talk to you or look at you anymore. I know you’re better off left alone, probably I’m just not the girl for you, she might be but I’m not sure; it’s totally up to you now. What you’re doing in life, I wish you all the best, that’s the most I can do, and yes, I’m still going to do everything I can just to make sure you’re fine.

My friends all say I’m dumb for loving you till now, but that’s what I can’t pull away from. I hate to see you alone, I hate to see you frown; I hate to see you lost and helpless, I hate it to see you in pain. It’s disheartening to know that I can no longer hug you and kiss your worries away; I can no longer sit beside you with our hands interlocked with each others' while sharing our day away, but all these would be what I’m hoping for, deep down, very deep inside me.

Knowing the kind of person you are, you’re not going to care about me anymore for the simplest reason, I’m not worth your time anymore. I may act like I don’t care but I really do. Every single argument we’ve ever had are all in my mind, processing my wrongs and my stubbornness. But it doesn’t matter anymore.

The wildest thing we did together left a scar on me, it’s gone for good. I guess it’s something good for you. For me, I’m not sure, I really thought we’re going to go through it all together, with you still in my life, but it’s all over. I went through it all alone, yes, alone, without any single support from you, nothing. That was the turning point in my life. What I saw was you dumping me there, with a broken heart with all these shit I’m going through while you were happily moving on with life.

Nothing I did was ever right; nothing I did was worth your attention. I’m just not good enough, period. You are happy with everything after we ended; hope that would continue for you. I’m not holding on to anymore hope for fear that I am going to end up with nothing again. I still cannot believe what happened because it was really unexpected, I saw us being together for years, I pictured me waiting for you while you’re in NS.

I don’t know if you’re reading, but all the best for you
iloveyou, that’s the past, the present and the future.
Nothing is going to change my love for you, even if you hate me.
That’s how much I love you, and that’s how dumb I am for loving you.

iloveyou.

love.

2010-05-15T21:14:00.000+08:00

Goodness, things are just crashing down.

I used to look forward to THE DAY, but now I hate it.
All the flashbacks are recurring as if they bring no pain.
Every morning when I wake up, I face the cruel reality.

Love comes and goes;
Never would it stay;
Never would it last;
or at least its applicable for us.

I cannot bring myself to hate you no matter what you’re doing to me.
Maybe like what they say, I’m too soft hearted.
Till now I’m still worried about your well-being, but I feel so dumb for doing that.
You don’t need me in your life like how I need you.
You’ll never come back to me with the same feelings you used to have for me anyways.

I should be studying, but now I’m working late nights to get fast cash and training for the upcoming competition.
Where was that passion I used to have?
Everything I do now feels like a chore to me.
I saw your reaction and it pains me, I don’t know why either.
I thought I’ve let it go already; guess it’s still not a fact yet.

How I wish there was a control which can rewind time.
I’ll definitely rewind it to back to when we got together.

Relive the times,
Feel back the love;
Enjoy your embrace.
iloveyou.

old cut, fresh pain.

2010-05-06T15:54:00.001+08:00

It’s been three weeks & two days,
nothing is getting better, instead it’s getting worse.

I thought I was strong enough, that’s why I agreed to the break up.
But I’m not; everything is still crashing down with free fall.

I miss your everything;
I keep telling myself to leave you alone, but I just can’t.

Goodness, and it’s all no use now.

iloveyou,
but you no longer love me.